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Monday, August 15, 2016

Update

Its been awhile since i last posted so here it goes. Im now 23 years old i have an amazing fiance. On December 15th, 2014 the unexpected happened. I went into labor a delivered a healthy baby girl, mind you i didnt know i was pregnant. I had started a job so i associated all the symptoms i had with that. We named her Clementine! She is the light of my world she has given me hope again. She is truly a gift from god. This year for Aria's fifth birthday we had a small party and did a balloon release and had a portriat made.


Monday, July 16, 2012

For My Daughter Aria Claire Elizabeth Lund


I heard that song and thought of you.
Life feels like a nightmare that just came true.
Sitting here looking at the sky,
Sitting here asking God why??
Sitting here holding back these tears.
Sitting here living a Mothers worst fear.
I may not have you here with me,
but forever and always my daughter you will be.
A part of my life I will never forget.
Letting you go sometimes I regret,
but God needed you back in Heaven.
You only spent 2 days here on earth in June,2011.
Its Now May,2012.
Life without you here on earth feels like I'm living in Hell.
Only a select few people understand.
The will the way and your very own special plan.
Your mission on earth was complete.
Now in Heaven you wait till me meet.
I know one day I will see you again.
God and only God knows when

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Poem 1

Yesterday was 7 months since you went away...
Life has changed so much for me.
I wonder if you were still here how life would be.
I miss you like crazy.
Somedays I wanna lay in bed and be lazy.
I stay up all night and sleep during the day.
I just wish you were here I wish there was someway.
I lost everything I lost you, I lost your dad..
I hate the way things are I just wanna scream because I am so mad.
How can people I trust take away the ones that I love the most.
They say the love i had for you guys I didn't have to boast.
You and him were my whole world.
We were so happy to have our little girl.
The first time we ever heard your heart
It was love from the start.
As we waiting the whole weekend.
We were guessing what you were
Alittle boy or a little girl.
We thought of names.
We picked Jude Steven Lund if you were a boy
We chose Aria Claire Elizabeth Lund who would have known that we chose the perfect name for a perfect angel.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

poem bout Aria



Poem About my Daughter
 
not even one word she spoke .
Her path that God already wrote.
Why she had to leave I guess we will never know.
But this i know that we love and miss her so very much.
We wish we could have her back her little hands to touch.
Her beautiful face. To cuddle and hold her in our safe embrace.
I know that she is in a better place.
I could sit here for hours.
have my tears coming out like showers.
I know nothing will ever bring her back.
 and it breaks my heart I feel like I'm having a Heart Attack.
I don't know what life will be like when i have another baby.
 I feel like something will happen this time too just maybe.
I fear i wont love them the way i love her.
I just want to feel like a mother.
I know that I am one.

My Very First Letters To Aria Before She Was Born

my first letter to ARIA

Saturday, Febuary 19, 2011 at 11:12pm
Dear child inside me,
Its crazy how long you've been in me and I didn't know. I heard your heart beat for the first time on febuary 18 2011 and found out you were really in there I cried . I want you to have everything I didn't have . A mommy and a daddy who will always be there for you no matter what. Your dads so excited for you to be born into this world . You will be loved by many people . I just want you to know that your mommy and daddy don't have the easy road and things are hard in life . I love you so much soon I hope I get to find out if your a boy or a girl . I will write to you later.
Love,
Your mommy Michaela Rae

Aria

Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 5:24pm
Your growing so very fast. Sometimes when you kick it tickles so l laugh .
You are already loved by oh so many.
Its so unreal to think that i didnt find out that you were in belly till i was 23 weeks.
There were so many questions i had and concerns too.
But the doctors reassured me that you were ok and growing right on track.
I cant wait till your here and i can hold you in my arms.
Daddy cant wait either, He loves when he feels you kick it makes him so happy.
You already have a mind of your own.
You kick when you want.
Your always with me where ever i go. I am never alone.

Friday, August 12, 2011

2 months ago today it was all about you

I have just been thinking about how when the doctor told us that Aria's seizure's had stopped, I thought  that everything would be ok and that she would have been able to live. I remember saying that I wanted her no matter what even if she had cerebal palsy I wanted her so bad, I cried when i saw her brain scan and all the bleeding and swelling. I cried at her baptism knowing that she wouldnt be able to grow up and be here with us. when we had took the machines off I remember Jess Lund asking if this was right. I remember when he said he didnt hear her heart beat and to call Aria's nurse. I thought that her was beating like before when it was really slow. But she comfirmed it Aria was gone. I was freaking out I thought i was living my nightmare of something happening. I remeber the nurse saying some babies are able to go home and they have a nurse come to your house and some babies dont live that long off of live support. I really wished that we could have brought her home. I remeber just keeping her in the room after she passed away taking to take pictures so i could have her memory live for ever and to make her real to people who never met her. We have many pictures of her living but the ones of her sleeping forever are for me and jesse. I want people to know that making the decission to let Aria pass away was the hardest thing me and Jesse have had to do and we are so young, And to think things could have been way different just makes me sick why couldnt there have been a real doctor not just that midwife. I know that she gave aria her heart beat but that does not make up for her mistakes.   I get very jealous of moms with their little girls because its not fair that i dont have mine i know that they dont do it on purpose but it hurts. Everytime i see something with a father and daughter i think about how Jesse cant do that with Aria, he wont ever get the chance to make Aria laugh. Or how he wont be able to protect her from harm or hear her say Daddy i love,I wont ever be able to take her out and we wont be able to stay up with her at night it breaks my heart just knowing that things could have been different. I know that me and jess will have another baby and that baby wont take Aria's place and that baby will have the same amount of love as aria and when the baby is older we will tell them about aria. And who cares if we have another baby before we get married that is our choice if we do our not,
I love you Aria Claire Elizabeth Lund with all my heart
Love Mommy

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My dear Aria

Happy to have time with our princess
These tiny feet left imprints on many hearts in just 2 days.





It has been One month and and 13 days since you passed away.
You would have been 1 and a half months old.
I remember hoping and praying for you to life. 
choosing to let you pass away was the hardest thing i will ever have to do.
I wanted so bad to see you life i had so much hopes and dreams for you.







I remember saying i would do anything to keep you

that was before we were told about your brain bleeding.
Some days i get so sad and just wish i could hold you one more time
The first time I held you in my arms was the best moment of my life.
I wish i could have that time back again just to hold you.
Sometimes I think that I could have done things different 
like its my fault for not knowing i was pregnant for 24 weeks
Happiest Daddy in the world
My fault i was so young and knew nothing
 about what was going on
Should i have said i wanted a 
c-section in the first place .


Beautiful Princess Aria
When daddy said you weren't breathing
 i started freaking out in my head and when
 nurse Kristine came in to check to she said you had no heart beat
 i so wanted it all to be a dream like all the dreams i had 
where something happened and i woke up and 
you were still safe inside of me,but that wasn't
 the case this was reality...
I don't even understand how to function its so hard but 
I keeping living on to make you proud. 
I get sad when i see small babies and 
sometimes
 its hard for me to look at your daddy because you
 looked so much like him. And when i look in the mirror
 I see you because you looked so much like me .
When i look in the mirror i see you
You looked so much like your Daddy

You were the perfect gift from god a blessing sent to us only to
 be taken back again and we may never understand why but
 you touched many life's 
We protected you the best we could from evil now 
your in gods hands and he protects you
He loves you more than life its self











1.Find out why they didn't detect the Velamentous Cord  Insertion
2.Find out why you didnt get oxygen for 20 minutes
3.Find out why the midwife didnt do an emergency C-Section 
4.Find out why there was no doctor present during my labor
5.Understand gods plan for me now that this has happened
Love, Mommy









we shield you from evil now god will









To get Justice for you





I promise to do everything I can







Aria Claire my Princess
Aria Claire Elizabeth Lund
My Princess, My reason for going on
To make you proud,To make things right,To get justice
To understand why this had to happen
I promise to do everything i can to get justice for you 
for the wrong things that happened to cause this to happen.