Friday, August 12, 2011

2 months ago today it was all about you

I have just been thinking about how when the doctor told us that Aria's seizure's had stopped, I thought  that everything would be ok and that she would have been able to live. I remember saying that I wanted her no matter what even if she had cerebal palsy I wanted her so bad, I cried when i saw her brain scan and all the bleeding and swelling. I cried at her baptism knowing that she wouldnt be able to grow up and be here with us. when we had took the machines off I remember Jess Lund asking if this was right. I remember when he said he didnt hear her heart beat and to call Aria's nurse. I thought that her was beating like before when it was really slow. But she comfirmed it Aria was gone. I was freaking out I thought i was living my nightmare of something happening. I remeber the nurse saying some babies are able to go home and they have a nurse come to your house and some babies dont live that long off of live support. I really wished that we could have brought her home. I remeber just keeping her in the room after she passed away taking to take pictures so i could have her memory live for ever and to make her real to people who never met her. We have many pictures of her living but the ones of her sleeping forever are for me and jesse. I want people to know that making the decission to let Aria pass away was the hardest thing me and Jesse have had to do and we are so young, And to think things could have been way different just makes me sick why couldnt there have been a real doctor not just that midwife. I know that she gave aria her heart beat but that does not make up for her mistakes.   I get very jealous of moms with their little girls because its not fair that i dont have mine i know that they dont do it on purpose but it hurts. Everytime i see something with a father and daughter i think about how Jesse cant do that with Aria, he wont ever get the chance to make Aria laugh. Or how he wont be able to protect her from harm or hear her say Daddy i love,I wont ever be able to take her out and we wont be able to stay up with her at night it breaks my heart just knowing that things could have been different. I know that me and jess will have another baby and that baby wont take Aria's place and that baby will have the same amount of love as aria and when the baby is older we will tell them about aria. And who cares if we have another baby before we get married that is our choice if we do our not,
I love you Aria Claire Elizabeth Lund with all my heart
Love Mommy